Author: Andre Velho
People have always known that other minds exist, that everyone’s minds work differently from one another and that it’s difficult to always accurately interpret other people’s motivations, intentions and the reasons why people act the way they do. These misunderstandings lead to disputes and conflict among groups of people. If one were to ask autistic people about the disputes they have with non-autistic people, the cause is almost always misunderstanding. The neurotypical person has assumed the autistic person to be angry when they’re not, insulting when they’ve no desire to hurt, lazy, uncaring, aggressive, self-centered, inflexible etc. When one might ask non-autistic people the same question, they usually say they’re misunderstood too. So how do we get on the same page?
Autistic people have long since believed to be unable to understand the thoughts and feelings of other people – to empathise. The ability to empathise (known as Theory of Mind) allows us to make better decisions, to consider the needs of other people and to understand the value of friends and family. On the contrary however, autistic people have established a sense of community over the years by sharing their understanding of themselves and how they relate to others. The truth about their ability to “put themselves in other people’s shoes” is a long way from those primitive ideas. Empathy can be highly effective when two people’s minds work in a similar way. If one person’s mind works differently, misunderstandings creep in. The further apart that people’s mind differences lie, the more frequently misunderstanding will take place.
The theory of Double Empathy suggests that a group of people, even children, will always find it difficult to put themselves in the position of another group of people, to empathise with each other, because of their different experiences. Autistic children and adults experience and express emotions, communicate, interact and sense the world very differently. This can make it difficult for non-autistic children to recognize autistic displays of emotions and empathy and vice-versa. So both groups are misunderstood. This mutual lack of insight creates an empathy gap, a problem for both groups. A double problem. There is a mutual breakdown in interaction between two different neurotypes – autistic and non-autistic. But this is not solely located in the mind of the autistic person, but instead it is due to differing neurotypes, two different minds attempting to interact with one another.
Historically, this has affected the autistic side more notably than the neurotypical. Non-autistic children outnumber autistic children by approximately 30 to 1 based on current estimates. This puts autistic children at a disadvantage because the average neurotypical child has 30 times as many opportunities to interact with and learn from other neurotypical children. This is why so many autistic people are dismissed by those around them or seen as “weird”. Neurotypical ways of communicating and empathising are seen as “normal” whereas autistic ways of communicating and empathising are often rejected as different and incorrect by society. They’re seen as “abnormal”. For neurotypical children, they learn that their way of communicating and empathising is superior. And so the majority gets its way. Autistic children are so outnumbered that they are forced to either learn how neurotypical children work, or fail. Autistic children are incentivised to learn about neurotypical ways in order to survive, whereas most non-autistic children have little reason to learn about autistic minds. So while the empathy gap is experienced by both, the impact it has on both groups is unequal. Underpinning that is the misconception that autistic children are neurotypicals with “broken” autistic bits that need to be improved or fixed and that autistic children must learn neurotypical ways in order to be accepted into society. Autistic children are applauded and rewarded by adults for not showing outward signs of being autistic. However at no point are neurotypical children taught to understand, accept or adopt autistic perspectives or autistic culture.
The double empathy problem highlights that non-autistic people lack empathy for autistic experiences and culture. This leads to them being marginalised, stigmatised and traumatised. Autistic children are often separated from neurotypical children at school and in the community. As a result, they experience extreme levels of social isolation, interpersonal victimisation, poor mental health, poor access to health care and high unemployment as adults. Secondary to epilepsy; heart attacks, strokes and suicide are the biggest killers of autistic people. People underestimate how lonely they are and how much there’s a need for children to engage with others on their own terms, be understood, feel respected and listened to. But because autistic children might not be able to voice that and might behave in unconventional ways, they might miss out. The double empathy problem reframes the gap between non-autistic and autistic culture. It provides the opportunity for autistic children to be treated with equity and equality. It also highlights that currently, hypocritically, autistic children are having to do all the work to change who they are in order to be accepted.
It’s easier to simply criticise and reject things that we don’t understand, rather than to make the effort to learn about differences. The Double Empathy Problem suggests building bridges between autistic and non-autistic people. It is a two-way process due to the different experiences of autistic and neurotypical children. Both sides must be taught to be open-minded to the differences in people’s minds and move towards listening, asking for clarity and learning to trust. No relationship can flourish unless trust can be established which is not possible when neurotypical people insist on imposing their points of view on autistic people. Until we recognize that we inhabit different worlds occupying the same space we will continue to misunderstand each other and conflicts will remain unresolved. But we can move forward by opening our hearts and minds to the unfamiliar and teaching children to embrace difference, to embrace neurodiversity. We can’t all walk the same roads but we can listen to and respect each other. Up to now this process has been entirely one-sided – it’s been up to autistic children to try harder to see the neurotypical point of view. It’s time we teach children that empathy is a two-way street. It becomes of vital importance when autistic and non-autistic people form a relationship of some sort – families, friends, workplaces or romance. Society needs to teach its young people that good communication is at the heart of strong relationships. Neurotypical people have to reach deep within and commit to being neurodiversity affirming. Children can learn that everybody thinks, feels or expresses themselves in their own way. And that’s fine!
How do we go about this? We need to teach kids not to make assumptions about others but learn to ask what the other is thinking. We have to resist the temptation to assume the worst in each other if the signals we think we are getting are not what we expect. One question that my friends, colleagues and I often ask each other is “Is everything OK?” Most often the reply is “Yes. Why do you ask?” Usually the reason is that some aspect of our behaviour (a facial expression, a sigh, a tone of voice or the way we have worded something) has been interpreted as a signal that we might be unhappy or angry. If children are taught to ask for clarification when they think someone is feeling negative towards them, they can avoid the potential for misunderstanding. The simple act of asking the question will open the door to discussion and resolution. There is little room for resentment and grudges if children talk openly and clear the air.
The distance between neurotypical and autistic ways of thinking is not so wide, but wide enough that our regular processes of empathising are not as accurate as we believe. In other words, any assumption one makes about how they would think or behave in somebody else’s shoes will not be as reliable if those shoes don’t fit. Academically it’s called the “Double Empathy Problem”.
References
Check out Two Ronnies Sketch or the Four Candles.
The Autistic Advocate – An introduction to the double empathy problem
Autism Network Scotland – University of Kent, Dr Damian Milton – Autism and the DEP
Autistamatic – Double Tree: Autism, Conflict and Double Empathy