Author: Aileen de Souza| March 3, 2021
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it”. – Maya Angelou
13-year-old Ryan sat in the Sethu waiting area, while the rain beat down on the tiled roof. His mother had dropped him off for his regular counselling session. We walked upstairs to my room with the usual genial chit chat about the weather these days and he said, “Yes, it’s scary to see the trees shake so much with the wind.”
Ryan describes himself as an artist, a good and honest boy who has a good memory for verses; that self-description is as true as it gets. In our sessions, we have had conversations around bullying, as that was something Ryan had experienced at school. He was called ‘gay’, his things would be taken and thrown in a dustbin and the kids at school would spread rumours about him. Ryan’s response to the bullying was aggression which manifested in him hitting the other children. On some days he felt like crying and didn’t want to go to school. He was called ‘angry’ at school and ‘sad and disturbed’ at home.
This one time I remember him saying, “They’re calling me something I don’t even understand. What does gay even mean?” He didn’t want to talk to his parents about it because that would stress his mother out. His parents would say to him, “You need to stand up to the children, give them back as good as you get”. The teachers would say to him, “You need to calm down”. Needless to say, this led to Ryan feeling confused and conflicted.
Ryan would try taking deep breaths when he got angry but often couldn’t control himself and would still hit the children if it got too much. He tried writing about his feelings and sometimes crying would help, (a good natural form of relief) but he was told, “boys aren’t supposed to cry”. At school, he still couldn’t make sense of what to do with the children. He hoped to be in a school without the teasing because he loved to learn. Ryan continued to try to practice healthier ways of responding to the bullying, managing his emotions and had his parents speak to his school authorities.
For me, Ryan’s story echoed resilience, a concept that is quite the buzzword. Psychologists define resilience as the “process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress—such as family and relationship problems, serious health issues, or workplace and financial stressors” (APA, 2020). Ryan and I spoke about things that were happening to him for over a year, yet this young man showed so much resilience by continuing to go to school, face his classmates, try and make friends, learn as much as he could and hold onto the hope of being in a school where he was accepted. His progress has been an inspiration.
I hope Ryan’s story reminds you that children are resilient.
In a world that is moving so fast and throwing so much at children, resilience helps them deal with obstacles and setbacks promoting mental wellbeing.
Here are three ways to promote resilience in your own child at home:-
-Build support systems – By giving your child opportunities to interact with peers and other caring adults in their lives.
-Acknowledge strengths – It is the little things that require big audiences. Praise all their efforts, not just the outcome and always identify strengths.
– Let your children know it is okay to ask for help. Convey a message that asking for help is also being brave. Help them problem – solve and provide them with professional help if they ask for it.
I recently came across this article that helps parents identify little ways in which a child shows resilience along with a worksheet for reflection. During my work I encounter young people, I have seen that resilience looks very different for each one and there is resilience in each one, it is very often a matter of letting it out in a way that works. I encourage you to give the article below a read to help you on your journey of fostering resilience in your child,
https://understood.us4.listmanage.com/track/click?u=13729e5d5c510f41fa1e35b47&id=c72ff17e69
References:
> American Psychological Association. (2020, February 1). Building your
resilience. http://www.apa.org/topics/resilience
> https://www.understood.org/en/friends-feelings/empowering-your-child/6-signs-your-
child-is-resilient
AILEEN DE SOUZA
Psychologist & Case Coordinator